As my eldest approaches the Zombieland, which are the teen years, and as he is about to be inflicted with the pain of TEEN-ITIS, for which there are no cures. I am reminded of the hundreds of families that I have consoled, and for many-a-times having not listened to my advice, they came back years later, with the old familiar "I wish I had listened to you...." or something along those lines.
I am now looking and examining my own situation, and I am more than confident, that although I will suffer the consequences of TEEN-ITIS, along with my son, and later my other two, I am going to be in better shape than most people. There's no remedy for TEEN-ITIS, but there are preventive measures. The very same preventive measures that many people know about, but choose to ignore. If you humor me, I will go over the few items that I have found most useful. If it works for you great! If it doesn't, call me a fool, and move on. You may perhaps find a better way, though I doubt it (yes I know that's arrogant, but I can't help it!).
I started assisting in my Sensei's classes in 1980. My teaching experience started with kids, moved to teens and later to adults. My very own first school was established in 1992, in a park. Today, I know at least two of the kids from that class are fantastic successes in their working toward their dream. Things that I recommend are based on empirical evidence that have helped create a more healthy teens, and they are:
- Build a strong bond with your child during the age of 0-4 Years. Share activities and spend some real quality time. Sometimes just going to get some ice-cream is as magical and memorable as taking them to Disneyland. Its not about the money, its about sitting and talking at their level.
- Do homework and playtime throughout their age 0-12.
- Find an activity that is exclusive to you and him/her. I do archery with my son. Sisters are invited occasionally, if he wants (and he hasn't invited them yet).
- Share times unique to that individual, at least once per month. Father/Mother-daughter day, Father/Mother-son days, each time is unique to that one person. No one else. 3-6 hours is enough.
- Learn to listen, more than talk. Kids have limited vocabulary, and many of the things they mean is not verbally expressed. They also may feel insecure about how you may feel about their opinion or request, so you need to LISTEN & HEAR.
- Find an activity you can do together as a family. Yes, I am a karate-buff, and I love what it does. I have seen it. Yes, all my kids are in it. Because I am in it, we share and talk about videos, their progress, and many other things. Having a discipline like martial arts in your relationship, helps you communicate at a different level, even when regular conversations seem difficult.
- Be enthused for their achievements. Attend as many, if not all their school award ceremony. Take videos and pictures, frame the award. Talk about it with others, so that they can hear you, but indirectly.
- Set parameters that can be adjusted according to their age and achievements. Don't be so rigid, that it becomes dictatorial.
- Give them awards that they earned. Just because your child says I like looking at the stars, doesn't mean you need to buy the most expensive telescope. Teach them that they must earn things. The only thing they don't need to earn, is your love.
- Be in charge of making the life-decisions. A child is called a child for that very reason. If your child wants to quit something that has benefited them for a long while, intervene and by all means say NO! if you know they are making a mistake. In many cases, children and specially teens are looking for leadership from you. They want to gauge your concern and reaction to their very existence. It is a need to be recognized. If you know a decision is wrong, and it is something that you know can affect them say NO! Explain your position, listen to theirs and see what is the root cause. Many times, teens in my classes have quit karate, because their peers thought it to be uncool. "Karate is for kids," etc. Other times, they are discovering the opposite sex, and they want more time to text and chat. In younger ages, it is one of two situations, either they are having trouble with a lesson, and they feel inadequate, or they are having difficulty with a person or an issue that they don't know how to overcome. This is when you need to be a coach, and not a parent. Listen, analyze, ponder it, and find a way. But don't let them quit.
- Refrain from arguments and shouting. You are the adult, and you need to act like one. Despite how they behave.
- Be patient REMEMBER YOU ARE HERE TO WIN THE WAR, NOT THE BATTLE!
- When you feel that you should be allowing them to have their way, ask, how will this decision affect them on the long run. Remember that every block is a building block. There are is no such thing, as "its not a big deal." Say NO! if you must. They will cry and get over it. Trust me.
- Love them, and tell them that you do. As often as you can.
As you can see, these are all preventive measures, and they work. Of course they only work, if you really put your heart and love in it. There's more. But hey! How am I gonna have you come back!
Seek a Sensei, Find Your Way!
Good Luck.
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