Teen-itis Affecting Parents.

Perhaps the hardest period in parenting is the 6-10 years of growth after the age of 12. Yes! You heard me right, some teen behavior goes all the way up to age 22 or in some cases 25. The angst, hormones, insecurities, rebellious behavior, and above all peer pressure, is never more profound than in middle and high school time.

I have seen parents literally come to tears over their struggles with a teen. Worst cases are parents who have 2-3 teens hitting the this vastly confusing territory at once. Ouch! Get ready for some real struggles folks. It doesn't end yet.

As my eldest approaches the Zombieland, which are the teen years, and as he is about to be inflicted with the pain of TEEN-ITIS, for which there are no cures. I am reminded of the hundreds of families that I have consoled, and for many-a-times having not listened to my advice, they came back years later, with the old familiar "I wish I had listened to you...." or something along those lines.
I am now looking and examining my own situation, and I am more than confident, that although I will suffer the consequences of TEEN-ITIS, along with my son, and later my other two, I am going to be in better shape than most people. There's no remedy for TEEN-ITIS, but there are preventive measures. The very same preventive measures that many people know about, but choose to ignore. If you humor me, I will go over the few items that I have found most useful. If it works for you great! If it doesn't, call me a fool, and move on. You may perhaps find a better way, though I doubt it (yes I know that's arrogant, but I can't help it!).


I started assisting in my Sensei's classes in 1980. My teaching experience started with kids, moved to teens and later to adults. My very own first school was established in 1992, in a park. Today, I know at least two of the kids from that class are fantastic successes in their working toward their dream. Things that I recommend are based on empirical evidence that have helped create a more healthy teens,  and they are:

  1. Build a strong bond with your child during the age of 0-4 Years. Share activities and spend some real quality time. Sometimes just going to get some ice-cream is as magical and memorable as taking them to Disneyland. Its not about the money, its about sitting and talking at their level.
  2. Do homework and playtime throughout their age 0-12.
  3. Find an activity that is exclusive to you and him/her. I do archery with my son. Sisters are invited occasionally, if he wants (and he hasn't invited them yet).
  4. Share times unique to that individual, at least once per month. Father/Mother-daughter day, Father/Mother-son days, each time is unique to that one person. No one else. 3-6 hours is enough.
  5. Learn to listen, more than talk. Kids have limited vocabulary, and many of the things they mean is not verbally expressed. They also may feel insecure about how you may feel about their opinion or request, so you need to LISTEN & HEAR.
  6. Find an activity you can do together as a family. Yes, I am a karate-buff, and I love what it does. I have seen it. Yes, all my kids are in it. Because I am in it, we share and talk about videos, their progress, and many other things. Having a discipline like martial arts in your relationship, helps you communicate at a different level, even when regular conversations seem difficult.
  7. Be enthused for their achievements. Attend as many, if not all their school award ceremony. Take videos and pictures, frame the award. Talk about it with others, so that they can hear you, but indirectly.
  8. Set parameters that can be adjusted according to their age and achievements. Don't be so rigid, that it becomes dictatorial.
  9. Give them awards that they earned. Just because your child says I like looking at the stars, doesn't mean you need to buy the most expensive telescope. Teach them that they must earn things. The only thing they don't need to earn, is your love.
  10. Be in charge of making the life-decisions. A child is called a child for that very reason. If your child wants to quit something that has benefited them for a long while, intervene and by all means say NO! if you know they are making a mistake. In many cases, children and specially teens are looking for leadership from you. They want to gauge your concern and reaction to their very existence. It is a need to be recognized. If you know a decision is wrong, and it is something that you know can affect them say NO! Explain your position, listen to theirs and see what is the root cause. Many times, teens in my classes have quit karate, because their peers thought it to be uncool. "Karate is for kids," etc. Other times, they are discovering the opposite sex, and they want more time to text and chat. In younger ages, it is one of two situations, either they are having trouble with a lesson, and they feel inadequate, or they are having difficulty with a person or an issue that they don't know how to overcome. This is when you need to be a coach, and not a parent. Listen, analyze, ponder it, and find a way. But don't let them quit.
  11. Refrain from arguments and shouting. You are the adult, and you need to act like one. Despite how they behave.
  12. Be patient REMEMBER YOU ARE HERE TO WIN THE WAR, NOT THE BATTLE!
  13. When you feel that you should be allowing them to have their way, ask, how will this decision affect them on the long run. Remember that every block is a building block. There are is no such thing, as "its not a big deal." Say NO! if you must. They will cry and get over it. Trust me.
  14. Love them, and tell them that you do. As often as you can.
As you can see, these are all preventive measures, and they work. Of course they only work, if you really put your heart and love in it. There's more. But hey! How am I gonna have you come back!

Seek a Sensei, Find Your Way!

Good Luck.

Paying for Karate Lessons.

When most people think of paying for karate lessons, they instinctively compare such actions with payment
for other sports or activities. Most likely soccer, basketball, and those who have had the occasion to try gymnastics or dance, compare them accordingly with the latter, rather than the former.

Truly karate training can not be placed in the same pricing level with these activities. Soccer, basketball, tennis, etc., are sports designed to develop the body and the mostly coordination of ONE SIDE of the body. Hence their limited development overall. As such all such athletes are lop-sided at best, and try other "sports" or "conditioning," to become better at their chosen "sport."

The failure of the western sports is that it addresses the physicality of the person, and not the person as a whole.

Whereas there are values to team sports, such as camaraderie, team-work and fellowship, there also exists a very large void, for individual development, individual responsibility, and leadership. In team sports, the inner individual as well as the outer individual is sacrificed for the benefit of the team. We win together, and we fail together.

The other issue is the elimination of those who don't fit the mold. The so-called "weak" are cast aside, the "strong" are chosen and celebrated. One very famous private school in my area, was considering a martial arts program, for those who can't make the cut for the team sports. If you are not IN the team, you are an outcast, in most circles.

The team members, learn to develop skills, which are mostly physical. Mentally they learn to develop only one thing - Ego. This is the nature of the beast, and along with it comes the empty shell, that is the individual. The reason for this, is not that humans are like this, it is the mechanism behind western sports. Coaches don't address the individual. To do so, requires a gift, and not a skill you can acquire in a semester or two of coaching, or attending seminars.

Coaches are at times concerned with their own job-security, and wrath of parents. Parents then, conditioned by society, want their child to win, to feel good, to fit in, and be part of the team, etc. Because if the child fails, they reason, then they as parents, have failed. And nobody wants to be a failure.

Eastern philosophy is about the individual. The individual finding themselves, and then their place of contribution in the team. It is not about the loss or the win. It is not about an end, it is about the process, or if you will, the journey. Whereas the western society chooses the team members, in the eastern philosophy the individual chooses the team. Thus bringing with them, their WHOLE self, and not just their physical ability. Whereas in the western culture, we are taught to reach out and TAKE, the eastern philosophy seeks to reach inward, seek, develop, and master and then GIVE!

The goal of western activities are another medal, trophy, championship or accolade. The goal of eastern activities is to find a way to contribute correctly. True Karate is an eastern activity. Thus, the payment is not for the lesson itself, rather for the effects of the lesson on the individual, internally. Their esteem, character, confidence and leadership. Physically, practitioners of karate become some of the strongest, fastest and fit individuals of their society, with the added benefit of having the ability to at least put up a fight, if attacked.

Though monetarily there is a remuneration for the teacher's time, the lessons of karate are priceless. The work of True Karate teacher is summarized in the Japanese word "Sensei," (pronounced sen-say) which is mistakingly translated to mean teacher.  The deeper meaning for the purpose of this discussion would be "Guide." Whereas a coach helps you hone your skills and physical abilities, the guide, helps you find your way.

Therefore, paying for sports is cheap, because they have so little to offer, if any. In contrast, the investment in karate is expensive in comparison, because of the internal and external value. Think about it! which is worth more to you, a whole complete egg, or a shell resembling an egg.

If you have read his far, you may be under the impression that I prefer Martial Arts over western sports. Nothing could be further from the truth. My sincerest wish is to help you understand the value of a True Karate training, and its necessity in combination with your western sports.

Seek a Sensei, Find Your Way.

Bruce Hojati