I really hate to bring this subject up, but it needs to be addressed. This is the issue close to my heart, and it happens to hurt more kids on short and long term basis. The issue is inability of parents to act, in lieu of disagreement or opposition from their child, to enroll in karate.
Just last month, I interviewed a 9-year old boy named Sean. Sean is a bright kid, who is coming to the age, where he needs to assert himself in school and society, as a young man. His father admits that he himself was always coy and to this day, he lacks the confidence and esteem to face down opponents, antagonists, or be comfortable doing a presentation in front of a friendly crowd. Sean doesn't make eye-contact, slouches, mumbles and acts timid.
Sean's mom after seeing the program, agrees wholeheartedly that the program is exactly and completely what Sean needs. But, she wants to wait, so that when they come back from "vacation," to bring Sean in, and get him started.
Sean has a big problem getting outside of his "Comfort-zone," or "CZ" for short. He is afraid of making a mistake, and not looking good. He showed up to the class, with much reservation, and was afraid to even walk in and do the warm-up. Being the big-kid that I am, I re-routed his anxiety, and quietly but eventually brought him to the mat. Within a minute, he was laughing and enjoyed punching and kicking the bag, you could real feel the positive energy from this kid.
His father was amazed at Sean's attitude prior and post practice, and my ability to get him to come in. He was overjoyed, and could not wait to share the news with his wife. They both knew Sean needs the kind of training that I offered, and the father wanted to know that if he also joined, would it help his shortcomings. Obviously the answer is YES!
Sean came the second time with his dad, and had a semi-private lesson. He had a great time, and showed great promise. He wanted to get started, but Mom wasn't sure. What do you think that momentary doubt did to Sean.
After one week of waiting, ten days of vacation and another of "Considering it," Mom informed me, that they have decided not get him started! You go figure. Mom stated that Sean NEVER liked coming, he only came to class to please his parents, and that they don't want to force him. IF I ONLY HAD A DOLLAR FOR EVERY TIME I HEARD THAT LINE.
The meaning of that line is, I can't assert my decision as a parent, so I am going to hide behind my child's inability, to hide my own inability.
Here's when both parents come short. After almost four weeks of waiting between his initial show of interest, they decided "Not to force him to do it." What these parents failed to recognize, is that the reason why Sean was resisting, is that he again was allowed to get in to his CZ, and that is dangerous. THAT IS EXACTLY WHY THEY BROUGHT HIM TO ME!
You can't grow, you won't learn, you won't move forward. In short YOU ROT! When you don't go beyond your comfort zone.
His mom told me, that they are getting help from the "Church" counseling group. A group of adults, who are there to help Sean find his strength. Church counseling is fine, but how many of these Kindhearted folks have the ability, desire, knowledge and experience to work with Sean 3-6 hours a week. How many are calling to follow-up, and see what other needs they can address.
Just because it is free, it does not make it the right choice. Who loses here? Sean! Mom and dad will eventually throw their hands up and say, I did my best. Well, did you? Really?
When we humans are pushed to go beyond our comfort zone (CZ), every neuron in our body fights us. Our mind builds a formidable barricade of doubt, fear, pain and discomfort (all of which are imaginary), in order to stop us in trying something new.
You might as well have asked Sean (or kids in his situation) to bungee-jump off a 1000 foot bridge. The problem is, that given the choice between constantly facing your weakness in karate class, or jumping once off the bridge, he would probably choose the latter, because it is only once.
Life choices are hard. To allow a child to make life choices, is wrong. Somebody has to be the adult here. If it is beyond your CZ to help your child, imagine how hard it is for the child to go beyond his Comfort Zone.
Parents need to take charge of their child's growth. If you can not see the help and benefit that martial arts can bring in to your child's life, as well as yours, ask around. Expect to pay for it, and assert you decision.
No amount of private schooling, tutoring and church counseling, is going to replace your touch as a parent, your assertiveness, and your chance to truly help develop your child's character. Get involved, get moving and push a little. Stop being afraid of their pouting and resistance. You will reap the rewards later.
Welcome! I hope you find what you are looking for. My intent in creating this page, is to guide parents and prospecting practitioners in the methods of TRUE KARATE and its goals and values.
Importance of Parental Support
 |
| Geck Family - One of the best examples of parental support in karate and its benefits. |
Supporting an activity, is more than showing up and paying for it. It is more than a pat on a back, and a toy award, for an achievement. Support has many dimensions that must be adhered to, sometimes in spite of the wants of the participant. Allow me to elaborate.
As a parent, we want the best for our child. I like to change that phrase so that in actually benefits the child more. WE SHOULD WANT THE BEST RESULT, for our child. This small twist changes the dynamics of support.
When we show up to watch our child perform, receive and award, pass an exam, or achieve any little step in their progress, we have done the STANDARD amount of support. The bare minimum. Indeed, if we can not even give that, we shouldn't expect much from our children either.
To surpass the standard and go beyond, we must take further steps. We should get involved and be committed. Read about the activity, educate ourselves, research it, even do it ourselves as well. Whether it is Karate, dance, gymnastics, or other such activities, get involved. Find out more about the teacher, are there classes where both of you can do it together, ask if you can act as an assistant, ask for books or articles to read. Get involved.
Another part of support is to know the complete purpose of it. In engineering, there is structural supports. Obviously, they are there to circumvent wrong types of movement, or to guide the structure in the correct direction. As in any structural support, once you can see the benefits of an activity for your child (beyond their schoolwork that is), then you must support it completely.
This sometimes means standing firm, when your child wants to quit one activity, for sake of another, or just quit. This is when your structural support must kick in. To support them, you must redirect the pressure, and re-motivate them, so that they continue with the activity.
Talk to your coach/sensei/sifu or instructor. Find out what the challenge is, and help to resolve it. If an activity is beneficial to their growth as an individual, then don't just throw your hands up and give-up. Ask for help, and find out how they can be redirected to benefit from the activity.
Remember that support is more than just cheering. Sometimes, it is standing firm, when they are wavering.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)