When parents come up short...

I really hate to bring this subject up, but it needs to be addressed. This is the issue close to my heart, and it happens to hurt more kids on short and long term basis. The issue is inability of parents to act, in lieu of disagreement or opposition from their child, to enroll in karate.

Just last month, I interviewed a 9-year old boy named Sean. Sean is a bright kid, who is coming to the age, where he needs to assert himself in school and society, as a young man. His father admits that he himself was always coy and to this day, he lacks the confidence and esteem to face down opponents, antagonists, or be comfortable doing a presentation in front of a friendly crowd. Sean doesn't make eye-contact, slouches, mumbles and acts timid.

Sean's mom after seeing the program, agrees wholeheartedly that the program is exactly and completely what Sean needs. But, she wants to wait, so that when they come back from "vacation," to bring Sean in, and get him started.

Sean has a big problem getting outside of his "Comfort-zone," or "CZ" for short. He is afraid of making a mistake, and not looking good. He showed up to the class, with much reservation, and was afraid to even walk in and do the warm-up. Being the big-kid that I am, I re-routed his anxiety, and quietly but eventually brought him to the mat. Within a minute, he was laughing and enjoyed punching and kicking the bag, you could real feel the positive energy from this kid.

His father was amazed at Sean's attitude prior and post practice, and my ability to get him to come in. He was overjoyed, and could not wait to share the news with his wife. They both knew Sean needs the kind of training that I offered, and the father wanted to know that if he also joined, would it help his shortcomings. Obviously the answer is YES!

Sean came the second time with his dad, and had a semi-private lesson. He had a great time, and showed great promise. He wanted to get started, but Mom wasn't sure. What do you think that momentary doubt did to Sean.

After one week of waiting, ten days of vacation and another of "Considering it," Mom informed me, that they have decided not get him started! You go figure. Mom stated that Sean NEVER liked coming, he only came to class to please his parents, and that they don't want to force him. IF I ONLY HAD A DOLLAR FOR EVERY TIME I HEARD THAT LINE.

The meaning of that line is, I can't assert my decision as a parent, so I am going to hide behind my child's inability, to hide my own inability.

Here's when both parents come short. After almost four weeks of waiting between his initial show of interest, they decided "Not to force him to do it." What these parents failed to recognize, is that the reason why Sean was resisting, is that he again was allowed to get in to his CZ, and that is dangerous. THAT IS EXACTLY WHY THEY BROUGHT HIM TO ME!
You can't grow, you won't learn, you won't move forward. In short YOU ROT! When you don't go beyond your comfort zone.

His mom told me, that they are getting help from the "Church" counseling group. A group of adults, who are there to help Sean find his strength. Church counseling is fine, but how many of these Kindhearted folks have the ability, desire, knowledge and experience to work with Sean 3-6 hours a week. How many are calling to follow-up, and see what other needs they can address.

Just because it is free, it does not make it the right choice. Who loses here? Sean! Mom and dad will eventually throw their hands up and say, I did my best. Well, did you? Really?

When we humans are pushed to go beyond our comfort zone (CZ), every neuron in our body fights us. Our mind builds a formidable barricade of doubt, fear, pain and discomfort (all of which are imaginary), in order to stop us in trying something new.

You might as well have asked Sean (or kids in his situation) to bungee-jump off a 1000 foot bridge. The problem is, that given the choice between constantly facing your weakness in karate class, or jumping once off the bridge, he would probably choose the latter, because it is only once.

Life choices are hard. To allow a child to make life choices, is wrong. Somebody has to be the adult here. If it is beyond your CZ to help your child, imagine how hard it is for the child to go beyond his Comfort Zone.

Parents need to take charge of their child's growth. If you can not see the help and benefit that martial arts can bring in to your child's life, as well as yours, ask around. Expect to pay for it, and assert you decision.

No amount of private schooling, tutoring and church counseling, is going to replace your touch as a parent, your assertiveness, and your chance to truly help develop your child's character. Get involved, get moving and push a little. Stop being afraid of their pouting and resistance. You will reap the rewards later.