Teen-itis Affecting Parents.

Perhaps the hardest period in parenting is the 6-10 years of growth after the age of 12. Yes! You heard me right, some teen behavior goes all the way up to age 22 or in some cases 25. The angst, hormones, insecurities, rebellious behavior, and above all peer pressure, is never more profound than in middle and high school time.

I have seen parents literally come to tears over their struggles with a teen. Worst cases are parents who have 2-3 teens hitting the this vastly confusing territory at once. Ouch! Get ready for some real struggles folks. It doesn't end yet.

As my eldest approaches the Zombieland, which are the teen years, and as he is about to be inflicted with the pain of TEEN-ITIS, for which there are no cures. I am reminded of the hundreds of families that I have consoled, and for many-a-times having not listened to my advice, they came back years later, with the old familiar "I wish I had listened to you...." or something along those lines.
I am now looking and examining my own situation, and I am more than confident, that although I will suffer the consequences of TEEN-ITIS, along with my son, and later my other two, I am going to be in better shape than most people. There's no remedy for TEEN-ITIS, but there are preventive measures. The very same preventive measures that many people know about, but choose to ignore. If you humor me, I will go over the few items that I have found most useful. If it works for you great! If it doesn't, call me a fool, and move on. You may perhaps find a better way, though I doubt it (yes I know that's arrogant, but I can't help it!).


I started assisting in my Sensei's classes in 1980. My teaching experience started with kids, moved to teens and later to adults. My very own first school was established in 1992, in a park. Today, I know at least two of the kids from that class are fantastic successes in their working toward their dream. Things that I recommend are based on empirical evidence that have helped create a more healthy teens,  and they are:

1. Build a strong bond with your child during the age of 0-4 Years. Share activities and spend some real quality time. Sometimes just going to get some ice-cream is as magical and memorable as taking them to Disneyland. Its not about the money, its about sitting and talking at their level.
2. Do homework and playtime throughout their age 0-12.
3. Find an activity that is exclusive to you and him/her. I do archery with my son. Sisters are invited occasionally, if he wants (and he hasn't invited them yet).
4. Share times unique to that individual, at least once per month. Father/Mother-daughter day, Father/Mother-son days, each time is unique to that one person. No one else. 3-6 hours is enough.
5. Learn to listen, more than talk. Kids have limited vocabulary, and many of the things they mean is not verbally expressed. They also may feel insecure about how you may feel about their opinion or request, so you need to LISTEN & HEAR.
6. Find an activity you can do together as a family. Yes, I am a karate-buff, and I love what it does. I have seen it. Yes, all my kids are in it. Because I am in it, we share and talk about videos, their progress, and many other things. Having a discipline like martial arts in your relationship, helps you communicate at a different level, even when regular conversations seem difficult.
7. Be enthused for their achievements. Attend as many, if not all their school award ceremony. Take videos and pictures, frame the award. Talk about it with others, so that they can hear you, but indirectly.
8. Set parameters that can be adjusted according to their age and achievements. Don't be so rigid, that it becomes dictatorial.
9. Give them awards that they earned. Just because your child says I like looking at the stars, doesn't mean you need to buy the most expensive telescope. Teach them that they must earn things. The only thing they don't need to earn, is your love.
10. Be in charge of making the life-decisions. A child is called a child for that very reason. If your child wants to quit something that has benefited them for a long while, intervene and by all means say NO! if you know they are making a mistake. In many cases, children and specially teens are looking for leadership from you. They want to gauge your concern and reaction to their very existence. It is a need to be recognized. If you know a decision is wrong, and it is something that you know can affect them say NO! Explain your position, listen to theirs and see what is the root cause. Many times, teens in my classes have quit karate, because their peers thought it to be uncool. "Karate is for kids," etc. Other times, they are discovering the opposite sex, and they want more time to text and chat. In younger ages, it is one of two situations, either they are having trouble with a lesson, and they feel inadequate, or they are having difficulty with a person or an issue that they don't know how to overcome. This is when you need to be a coach, and not a parent. Listen, analyze, ponder it, and find a way. But don't let them quit.
11. Refrain from arguments and shouting. You are the adult, and you need to act like one. Despite how they behave.
12. Be patient REMEMBER YOU ARE HERE TO WIN THE WAR, NOT THE BATTLE!
13. When you feel that you should be allowing them to have their way, ask, how will this decision affect them on the long run. Remember that every block is a building block. There are is no such thing, as "its not a big deal." Say NO! if you must. They will cry and get over it. Trust me.
14. Love them, and tell them that you do. As often as you can.

As you can see, these are all preventive measures, and they work. Of course they only work, if you really put your heart and love in it. There's more. But hey! How am I gonna have you come back!

Seek a Sensei, Find Your Way!

Good Luck.

Paying for Karate Lessons.

When most people think of paying for karate lessons, they instinctively compare such actions with payment
for other sports or activities. Most likely soccer, basketball, and those who have had the occasion to try gymnastics or dance, compare them accordingly with the latter, rather than the former.

Truly karate training can not be placed in the same pricing level with these activities. Soccer, basketball, tennis, etc., are sports designed to develop the body and the mostly coordination of ONE SIDE of the body. Hence their limited development overall. As such all such athletes are lop-sided at best, and try other "sports" or "conditioning," to become better at their chosen "sport."

The failure of the western sports is that it addresses the physicality of the person, and not the person as a whole.

Whereas there are values to team sports, such as camaraderie, team-work and fellowship, there also exists a very large void, for individual development, individual responsibility, and leadership. In team sports, the inner individual as well as the outer individual is sacrificed for the benefit of the team. We win together, and we fail together.

The other issue is the elimination of those who don't fit the mold. The so-called "weak" are cast aside, the "strong" are chosen and celebrated. One very famous private school in my area, was considering a martial arts program, for those who can't make the cut for the team sports. If you are not IN the team, you are an outcast, in most circles.

The team members, learn to develop skills, which are mostly physical. Mentally they learn to develop only one thing - Ego. This is the nature of the beast, and along with it comes the empty shell, that is the individual. The reason for this, is not that humans are like this, it is the mechanism behind western sports. Coaches don't address the individual. To do so, requires a gift, and not a skill you can acquire in a semester or two of coaching, or attending seminars.

Coaches are at times concerned with their own job-security, and wrath of parents. Parents then, conditioned by society, want their child to win, to feel good, to fit in, and be part of the team, etc. Because if the child fails, they reason, then they as parents, have failed. And nobody wants to be a failure.

Eastern philosophy is about the individual. The individual finding themselves, and then their place of contribution in the team. It is not about the loss or the win. It is not about an end, it is about the process, or if you will, the journey. Whereas the western society chooses the team members, in the eastern philosophy the individual chooses the team. Thus bringing with them, their WHOLE self, and not just their physical ability. Whereas in the western culture, we are taught to reach out and TAKE, the eastern philosophy seeks to reach inward, seek, develop, and master and then GIVE!

The goal of western activities are another medal, trophy, championship or accolade. The goal of eastern activities is to find a way to contribute correctly. True Karate is an eastern activity. Thus, the payment is not for the lesson itself, rather for the effects of the lesson on the individual, internally. Their esteem, character, confidence and leadership. Physically, practitioners of karate become some of the strongest, fastest and fit individuals of their society, with the added benefit of having the ability to at least put up a fight, if attacked.

Though monetarily there is a remuneration for the teacher's time, the lessons of karate are priceless. The work of True Karate teacher is summarized in the Japanese word "Sensei," (pronounced sen-say) which is mistakingly translated to mean teacher.  The deeper meaning for the purpose of this discussion would be "Guide." Whereas a coach helps you hone your skills and physical abilities, the guide, helps you find your way.

Therefore, paying for sports is cheap, because they have so little to offer, if any. In contrast, the investment in karate is expensive in comparison, because of the internal and external value. Think about it! which is worth more to you, a whole complete egg, or a shell resembling an egg.

If you have read his far, you may be under the impression that I prefer Martial Arts over western sports. Nothing could be further from the truth. My sincerest wish is to help you understand the value of a True Karate training, and its necessity in combination with your western sports.

Seek a Sensei, Find Your Way.

Bruce Hojati

Ingredients of Success.

I was speaking to my class last night, and just like many other times, inspiration comes at its own time and place. With me, it is usually it is at the time that I begin the talk at the end of the class. Funny as it may seem, I set out to speak on the subject and words usually flow out by themselves. I don't have practiced speech, or rehearsed words that I share. I just say what comes from the heart. As the old Persian proverb says "that which arises from the heart, plants itself to the heart."

And so it seemed that the subject of how we apply ourselves to succeed, came up again. I know that there are many books, articles and opinions written on what makes success possible, and I am not in anyway, trying to do better or outdo anyone. I am Just offering you, what came from my heart, and I hope it works for you.

To me, karate practice is like life. How you approach and conduct yourself during karate, is the same as you live your life. If you are putting half-effort, holding back or lacking in anything, in your karate practice, you lack the exact same thing in achieving your goals in life.

The four main ingredients to succeed in karate and life then, are these:

1. Intent
2. Aim
3. Proper form
4. Power

Intent: Is the initial mindset that allows you to bring your spirit in to the task at hand. Without intent your achievements are either limited, or futile.

Aim: You must set a goal, right after you declare your intent. A series of small goals, leading to a larger goal, allows for reviews and adjustments.

Proper Form: If the goal is physical (karate, basketball, running, weight loss, etc.) you must prepare in finding out the correct method of execution (punch, kick, free-throw, dribbling, food facts, food consumption, nutrition, etc.) However, if the goal is mental as in academics, self-improvements (confidence, assertiveness, self-esteem), then proper information must be gathered. Both situations require a guide, teacher, coach and yes they are all your – you guessed it, "SENSEI."

Power: We must then apply our power of time allocation, physical power (presence), and mental power (attention and attitude), to apply toward our INTENDED AIMS.

Of all these, INTENT is the key ingredient, that binds all things together. It is INTENT, that keeps you from moving away, or in the wrong direction. It is the mortar, that brings the bricks together. Your coach, guide, guru, Sensei is the hand or the lantern that leads the way.

Karate then, is the perfect environment to test your life-approach. In practicing karate, you examine your SELF. Karate forces you to take in to account your short-comings, and your presents your with your strengthens. It shows you how to chip away at the former, by using the tools of the latter, with guidance from your Sensei.

In this, karate is unique. Thus no other art can match it. Nor can any sport come close to it.

Keep working at it, and let me know how it works for you.

What is Leadership

In the Western culture, leadership is the ability to be a person of character, within ones community, to be in charge of groups, committees and be an outstanding person in ones church, organization or school.

In the Eastern culture, a leader is the one who seeks to master himself first. Not that he/she has actually finished mastering themselves, rather that they continuously look within, to seek the better part of themselves.

So where the Western culture looks to a sign with eyes and ears, or for persons of character or outwardly signs of guidance to enlightenment, the Eastern culture look inward toward their own
soul, character, and how they react to a situation or thought.

Socrates said (and I paraphrase), that those who seek positions of leadership, should be the last persons to be put in that position. Buddha also stated that the correct path, is down the middle, neither leaning or favoring, rather in attempting to find the BALANCE.

While we see considerable talk and propaganda about leadership in our society, whether it is in the daily barrage of political talk or posturing, or in advertisements of martial schools, the interesting question remains. What is leadership?

To me, a leader is the person who on daily basis, seeks to find himself/herself, and the truth within themselves, and then reaches not to bring people to HIS truth, rather have others come to terms with their own truthful soul. As the truth is absolute i.e. water is two parts hydrogen, and one part oxygen, truthfulness is relative, i.e. most water is made of hydrogen and oxygen at base level, but carry different minerals, sediments, enzymes or such.

A leader is the person, who helps you face your weaknesses and shows you the possibilities of what or who you could really be, not what you achieve. Because in order to achieve, you must first become, where as we are taught in the Western society, that if your achieve, then you become.

For example, if I have a million dollars, then I would do this or the other, and I would feels good. The exact opposite has to happen first, first you must like who you are, or work hard to become the person you feel good about, then you will do what needs to be done, and at the end you will have your million.

When looking for leaders, I believe that one should seek those that help you walk alongside them, who teach you and help you to find your own way in time. Not those who wish to bring you to their way, have you walk behind them.

Good Luck.

When parents come up short...

I really hate to bring this subject up, but it needs to be addressed. This is the issue close to my heart, and it happens to hurt more kids on short and long term basis. The issue is inability of parents to act, in lieu of disagreement or opposition from their child, to enroll in karate.

Just last month, I interviewed a 9-year old boy named Sean. Sean is a bright kid, who is coming to the age, where he needs to assert himself in school and society, as a young man. His father admits that he himself was always coy and to this day, he lacks the confidence and esteem to face down opponents, antagonists, or be comfortable doing a presentation in front of a friendly crowd. Sean doesn't make eye-contact, slouches, mumbles and acts timid.

Sean's mom after seeing the program, agrees wholeheartedly that the program is exactly and completely what Sean needs. But, she wants to wait, so that when they come back from "vacation," to bring Sean in, and get him started.

Sean has a big problem getting outside of his "Comfort-zone," or "CZ" for short. He is afraid of making a mistake, and not looking good. He showed up to the class, with much reservation, and was afraid to even walk in and do the warm-up. Being the big-kid that I am, I re-routed his anxiety, and quietly but eventually brought him to the mat. Within a minute, he was laughing and enjoyed punching and kicking the bag, you could real feel the positive energy from this kid.

His father was amazed at Sean's attitude prior and post practice, and my ability to get him to come in. He was overjoyed, and could not wait to share the news with his wife. They both knew Sean needs the kind of training that I offered, and the father wanted to know that if he also joined, would it help his shortcomings. Obviously the answer is YES!

Sean came the second time with his dad, and had a semi-private lesson. He had a great time, and showed great promise. He wanted to get started, but Mom wasn't sure. What do you think that momentary doubt did to Sean.

After one week of waiting, ten days of vacation and another of "Considering it," Mom informed me, that they have decided not get him started! You go figure. Mom stated that Sean NEVER liked coming, he only came to class to please his parents, and that they don't want to force him. IF I ONLY HAD A DOLLAR FOR EVERY TIME I HEARD THAT LINE.

The meaning of that line is, I can't assert my decision as a parent, so I am going to hide behind my child's inability, to hide my own inability.

Here's when both parents come short. After almost four weeks of waiting between his initial show of interest, they decided "Not to force him to do it." What these parents failed to recognize, is that the reason why Sean was resisting, is that he again was allowed to get in to his CZ, and that is dangerous. THAT IS EXACTLY WHY THEY BROUGHT HIM TO ME!
You can't grow, you won't learn, you won't move forward. In short YOU ROT! When you don't go beyond your comfort zone.

His mom told me, that they are getting help from the "Church" counseling group. A group of adults, who are there to help Sean find his strength. Church counseling is fine, but how many of these Kindhearted folks have the ability, desire, knowledge and experience to work with Sean 3-6 hours a week. How many are calling to follow-up, and see what other needs they can address.

Just because it is free, it does not make it the right choice. Who loses here? Sean! Mom and dad will eventually throw their hands up and say, I did my best. Well, did you? Really?

When we humans are pushed to go beyond our comfort zone (CZ), every neuron in our body fights us. Our mind builds a formidable barricade of doubt, fear, pain and discomfort (all of which are imaginary), in order to stop us in trying something new.

You might as well have asked Sean (or kids in his situation) to bungee-jump off a 1000 foot bridge. The problem is, that given the choice between constantly facing your weakness in karate class, or jumping once off the bridge, he would probably choose the latter, because it is only once.

Life choices are hard. To allow a child to make life choices, is wrong. Somebody has to be the adult here. If it is beyond your CZ to help your child, imagine how hard it is for the child to go beyond his Comfort Zone.

Parents need to take charge of their child's growth. If you can not see the help and benefit that martial arts can bring in to your child's life, as well as yours, ask around. Expect to pay for it, and assert you decision.

No amount of private schooling, tutoring and church counseling, is going to replace your touch as a parent, your assertiveness, and your chance to truly help develop your child's character. Get involved, get moving and push a little. Stop being afraid of their pouting and resistance. You will reap the rewards later.

Importance of Parental Support

Geck Family - One of the best examples of parental
support in karate and its benefits.

We all want the best for our kids, and deep inside, we know the importance of support and guidance that we as parents must provide. There are lot of talk about why we should support, and the importance of it, but hardly any on HOW to support a child in their endeavor.

Supporting an activity, is more than showing up and paying for it. It is more than a pat on a back, and a toy award, for an achievement. Support has many dimensions that must be adhered to, sometimes in spite of the wants of the participant. Allow me to elaborate.

As a parent, we want the best for our child. I like to change that phrase so that in actually benefits the child more. WE SHOULD WANT THE BEST RESULT, for our child. This small twist changes the dynamics of support.

When we show up to watch our child perform, receive and award, pass an exam, or achieve any little step in their progress, we have done the STANDARD amount of support. The bare minimum. Indeed, if we can not even give that, we shouldn't expect much from our children either.

To surpass the standard and go beyond, we must take further steps. We should get involved and be committed. Read about the activity, educate ourselves, research it, even do it ourselves as well. Whether it is Karate, dance, gymnastics, or other such activities, get involved. Find out more about the teacher, are there classes where both of you can do it together, ask if you can act as an assistant, ask for books or articles to read. Get involved.

Another part of support is to know the complete purpose of it. In engineering, there is structural supports. Obviously, they are there to circumvent wrong types of movement, or to guide the structure in the correct direction. As in any structural support, once you can see the benefits of an activity for your child (beyond their schoolwork that is), then you must support it completely.

This sometimes means standing firm, when your child wants to quit one activity, for sake of another, or just quit. This is when your structural support must kick in. To support them, you must redirect the pressure, and re-motivate them, so that they continue with the activity.

Talk to your coach/sensei/sifu or instructor. Find out what the challenge is, and help to resolve it. If an activity is beneficial to their growth as an individual, then don't just throw your hands up and give-up. Ask for help, and find out how they can be redirected to benefit from the activity.

Remember that support is more than just cheering. Sometimes, it is standing firm, when they are wavering.