Control – The goal of martial arts practice

It’s been over 48 years, when I was introduced to Japanese karate, during my Boy Scout years in Iran. Learning karate in Iran was tough. You had to prove yourself at every class. It was extremely physical and sometimes punishing. The environment in Iran was to weed out the weak, and to only tolerate and develop the strong.

In less than a year from my karate initiation as a teenager, my family moved to United States and eventually settled in Granada Hills, California. I was privileged to take classes with a Sensei who was also a scholar. A true philosopher, Shihan Dean Picard was working on his dissertation in philosophy, and was teaching philosophy and karate, at the Los Angeles Mission College, and in many of the colleges in Southern California.

 

It was under his tutelage, that I learned to look and think beyond the mere physical technique, and about the philosophy and the intent of Karate training. I was introduced to the art that was the subtle undercurrent of this violent looking set of movements, techniques, and exercises. 

 

The material that was presented to me to study, were at times overwhelming for my young mind, but the seeds were planted to question, search and discover. To be inquisitive, to study deeper meanings of movements, and how they affected the practitioner internally. It made me question why I was so drawn to this art form. Why after practice or a specific set of movements, I started to feel and differently. This feeling was not either good or bad, but it was more akin to becoming aware.

 

Why were these movements an art form? How could something so violent in presentation and physical application, be a form of art? Many other questions emerged as I went through the process of learning and discovery. The more I searched, the more I had to reach within. By the time I understood the meaning of the answers, sometimes partially to one question, another question would arise. 

 

The answers took time, and they came in the form of many wonderful and sometimes painful experiences. I found out in time, that these answers are “my answers,” and do not necessarily apply to everyone else. They were “my truths.” As I started teaching, I found many of the answers I was looking for, and was confounded by many more questions. I made many mistakes as I was learning to be a teacher, and I’m sure I will continue to make more mistakes (although I hope with less severe consequences). Teaching helped me not only to understand the mechanics of the technique, as I had to relay the knowledge to different people, with different abilities and limitations, but also, to relate to the people, at a deeper level. To understand them and to help them find their own truths.

 

So the question remains with many people, as they ask: “why martial arts?” What is the mystique, why some people (myself included), believe that martial arts, specifically traditional martial arts, are necessary in our daily life.

To me, the ultimate goal of martial arts is “Control.” The concept is as simple as it is deep. Understanding of it takes more than just words, it takes application and commitment. It is like sailing. I can describe it to you, but until you cast your own sailboat into the sea, you will not truly understand any of it. You have to experience it.

 

In martial arts, I dare say in all arts, the movements are used to discipline the mind. The mind and the body are brought to work together, to achieve perfection through coordination. This is an arduous task at times. Be it a stroke of a pen of calligrapher, the brushstrokes of a painter, the forming hands of sculpture, the movements of a dancer, or the forms or kata of martial artist. It is about the connection and coordination of mind, body and spirit.

 

Understanding that perfection will not be permanent, and may only exist in sporadic and fleeting moments, events or performances in time, the artist seeks through repetition to create those fleeting moments and experience it yet again. To bring about the control of their body movement, by controlling their mind and coordinating with a specific muscle or group of muscles. In controlling the mind, the artist learns to control their feelings, to understand them, and channel them properly.

Whether it’s frustration, fatigue, anger, desperation, or glee. In order to have a control on their feelings, the artist must endeavor to control their thoughts and examine their beliefs. I would further venture to say, that the root of our actions, are in our thoughts and our belief system. The former, dictates the latter. If you manage the thought, you can change the belief, leading you to control you words, actions and the net result of those words or actions, on your life.

 

By learning to understand our thoughts, we learn to change our perception. How we perceive things, triggers thoughts, which in a domino effect, influence our feelings, our words and our actions. The pursuit of the martial artist, and I dare say many artists, is to perceive things as they are, in their purity and without prejudice or undue influences. To understand, reflect and express that which they experience from the world around them.

 

Artists see and feel differently. Their expression of their truths is what makes them unique to others in the society.

 

This endeavor indeed takes a lifetime. For the martial artist, it all starts with the technique. Repeating, honing, and perfecting it. Persevering through hard sessions of training, and enduring challenging workouts. As the techniques expand out of the body, the martial artist mind dives deep within. 

 

The physical efforts manifest themselves, in a mental search for endurance and understanding of both physically and the spiritual. The “art” in the martial arts therefore, is in the creating of a new, more intelligent, developed, understanding, complete human being. Sculpting a better “self.” Compassionate and passionate, ethical and logical, sympathetic and empathetic, connected yet objective, present, aware, and participating in life.

 

Bruce Lee is contributed by saying: “Before I learned the art, a punch was just a punch, and a kick, just a kick. After I learned the art, a punch was no longer a punch, a kick, no longer a kick. Now that I understandthe art, a punch is just a punch and a kick is just a kick."

 

I’m still on this journey. What people find amusing and at times strange, is that there is not set “end” to this journey. It is about constantly evolving, and discovering many different facets and dimensions about yourself, that is simply amazing. As an example, working with disadvantage children, or special needs individuals, has given me new insights to who I am, what differences I can make, and how fascinating martial arts can be. 

 

May your journey be as adventurous and as rewarding, as mine has been. 

 

Shihan Bruce Hojati

Chief Instructor

Hojati Karate Academy

USA Branch Director

Japan Karate-do Maruyoshikai Organization

Why should I do karate!

Though I have written before on why children or adults want to join or quit karate, and why and how parents should encourage the former and prevent the latter, in as much as possible. I don't think I ever showed anyone, a true example of what would happen, if we as parents and educators stand fast, and do not allow our family members to quit. Conversely, why should we at all push our children, toward martial arts.

Here is a letter I got from a parent of a fine black belt. Athletically, she went on to win many accolades and championships. Silver medal in US Junior Olympics for Karate, and of course, a Gold medal for US International Open. These events were held back to back on the same weekend. 

Moreover, she grew stronger as a person mentally and emotionally, learning to go passed her limits, and set new goals for herself. Part of many things that she may not have learned how to do, if she had quit her training, which she almost did a few times.

She and of course her parents, decided to heed my advice, and continue on. Here's the result of that perseverance. Read it carefully, and then decide, if it is worth quitting.

-----------------------

Alana Chetlen - Black Belt
(A black belt, is a white belt that doesn't quit)

Dear Shihan, 

It has been a long time since we have corresponded with you, and for that, I apologize.  I hope things are going well with you and the family.  I read your emails and your Facebook info, so I keep abreast of what is going on.  I hope you are healthy, although I read you are having some difficulties.  I hope they are not too serious.   As for us, all is well. 

This has been an extremely busy time for all of us.  Mira is in college at San Francisco State University, and is doing very well and loves it.  Martin and I are still working hard at our jobs, and I am now writing a book on Genetics.  And I still do my sports.  Marathons, triathlons, and last summer I even hiked up Mt. Whitney-which I loved and hope to do again this summer.   And Alana has just finished applying to a dozen colleges.  She has already been accepted to three schools, all with scholarships.  So far they are University of Oregon, University of Arizona and University of the Pacific.  We are still waiting to hear from the UC's, and some private schools, but her first choices are the UC's. 

I am writing to share with you Alana's essay for all the colleges.  I was so very impressed on her topic and how she wrote it.  I hope you will be proud of her and yourself, for it focuses on you!  I still get tears in my eyes when I read it.   Here it is:        

Prompt:  Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are? 

Standing hot and exhausted in the small dojo waiting to receive my black belt was the greatest feeling I have ever known. I was fourteen years old and already had my provisional black belt, but that is nothing like the first degree black belt that I earned that day. 

The black belt testing was comprised of many hours of hard performance and fighting. Right before the end of the test, I was worn out, but determined to finish strong, and I did. On the final fight I gave it all I had and won. Standing there waiting to receive my black belt, I knew that I would never be the same. I looked back at the six years I worked to achieve my goal of a black belt and realized how much I had really learned in those six years. 

I had learned more than just Shotokan Karate. I had transformed into the person I am.  From that day, I realized that I could achieve any goal I set my mind to. Karate taught me leadership and discipline, but most of all, how to achieve a goal. Six years for a child is no short time, and it felt like a lifetime to me and still does at times. I thought that I had spent that whole time just to achieve my goal of getting a black belt, but I did not. 

I learned so much about myself in that time. I learned my limits, desires, strengths, and weaknesses. I learned how to be the leader I am today. I learned that it is not all about the goal in the end, but about what you learn about yourself along the way. 

I am now seventeen years old and continued Karate until I was sixteen. I will never forget all that I learned and achieved at my dojo, and I carry that knowledge to all that I do today, including Student Council at my high school.   In Student Council, our job is to prepare and execute many student events. This requires us to set goals and achieve them. Without the hard work I spent in Karate, I do not know if I would have believed that I could successfully put on the  Prom Court Elections, Student Council Elections and Homecoming Parade, but in the end I did. I know that no matter how hard the challenge or however long it takes, I can achieve my goals. 

Waiting to receive my black belt in that small dojo was worth it. Seeing my instructor slowly and proudly walk over and hand me that black belt became the proudest moment of my life because I knew after that, that I could achieve any goal I set. 

Bruce, you will always have a special place in our hearts for all you have done for Alana and for all the times we shared together.  I hope we will forever stay in touch, as you never know when friends are needed.  I will let you know in the end where Alana ends up going to college. 

Stay well, and best wishes to you and your family,

Susan  

Susan M. Zneimer, Ph.D., FACMG 

CEO and Clinical Cytogeneticist MOSYS Consulting

I quit! (just the 4-6 year olds)....Here's why!

As of the date of this blog, I sent out a mass email to my students and their families, announcing my refusal to teach any child from the age of 4-6, as of November 1, 2013.

I have decided that I would not teach them, unless I hand select them, and only on private or semi-private lessons basis only.

What I could not explain in the email, is the reasoning behind my decision. If you would indulge me a bit, I will explain and share of frustration. Perhaps you can understand, what I consider a major disease in our society today.

Teaching young ones at the age of 4-6, takes a tremendous effort on my part, to help
children reach correct coordination, strength, muscle tone and conditioning to train in karate.

Pardon me for sounding arrogant, but I have yet to find anyone in martial arts field, in California, that can teach a genuine karate lesson for that age group, like I do. What's more, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my little ones.

I do not teach kiddie-karate, little-ninjas or babysit kids, I teach them something valuable. Something long lost in the American society. Namely, valuable skills, that NO OTHER SPORT can teach. No I don't teach gymnastics, backflips, Parkour, or dancing. Go to the little dragon dojo around the corner, for nonsense karate. If you want dancing or gymnastics, go to the proper school.

I do not offer baby-sitting services, albeit for 30-35 minutes. I want my students to learn something, not just "have a good time, and have fun."

I found it extremely difficult, unlike past years, to find partner-parents, who really and truly wished for the child to improve and learn something worthwhile, such as the first and foremost the life-skills and the secondly, the self-protection skills, along with the genuine love and support that I offer. All the failing parents I encountered, had the best of intentions, and you know that the worst things start, with the best of intentions.

I found lately, that parents are less and less understanding of the real importance of karate training, what it truly offers children of that tender age, let alone older ones, specially teens.

For years I tried in many ways to relay this message in various forms and forums. Much of it fell on deaf ears. Some (though few), felt that I was trying to force them to do karate for the rest of their lives, they could not be more mistaken.

When throughout the last year, I saw that I did make a difference in lives of many, including some autistic children, only to see them walk away, because the parents failed to provide the proper support, it saddened me.

During the last year, I asked many students four questions:

1. Have you visited our web site, and read the articles.
2. Have you read the blog that I write.
3. Have you used the online tutorial to review your techniques?
4. Have you researched anything about our style, our school online, i.e. YouTube?

I was given a dumbfounded look 50% of the time, and 49% of the time the answer was No!

Now I know, we are all "busy," and we have occasional obstacles come our way. But, I believe the problems runs deeper than that. I think, it is quite simply one of the following:

1. Apathy.
2. Overachieving/over-reaching. (to the point that we don't know what, but we want our kids to do it all).
3. Complete disconnect from what is necessary for our child, leading to what they "WANT."
4. Financial problems.

I have tried and I have always helped those who have had financial woes. But, I just can't reach the first three.


Moreover I am tired of trying. Mind you, I don't mind a tough challenge, but after 35 years of teaching, I know that as the proverbial saying goes, "You can lead the horse to water," well, you know the rest.

If your idea of parenting is doing what your kids "like," rather than what they "need," Lord help you, I have been there, and seen that. In over 1000 families, if not more.


If your idea of parenting is raisinga "Jack of all trades, master of none." Good luck!

If your idea of parenting is pleasing your child, rather than guiding them, regardless of their tantrums. God be with you. You'll need him.

Anyway, thank you for having provided me the opportunity to teach you child.

If you want your 4, 5, and 6 year old to train with me, you must register by November 1, 2013. I wish you the very best otherwise.

The Trouble With USA KARATE, and Karate in OLYMPICS.

Chances are, that by the time you read this post, I've made a lot of people angry. Chances are, those people are the ones in power, and I will be making enemies. Unfortunately, things need to be said, that has not been said in a long time. If you are beginner karate practitioner, this article does not apply to you, and hence, won't make sense to you.

But if you plan to get in to national and international competition, it does. My friends, it's time for everyone to face the music and know what you are dancing too.

Basically, I have been involved with the USAKF (United States Karate Federation), USA-NKF (USA National Karate Federation) and for a short time, USA-Karate. These entities from the latter to the former, have been occupying the ever so coveted (so they have us believe), title of National Governing Body for sport of karate. They pride themselves to be connected to USOC (United States Olympic Committee). A point to grant them legitimacy.

Up the ladder from them is WKF (World Karate Federation), which is recognized by IOC (International Olympic Committee). Here's when the fun begins.

Since I have been involved with the US National mom-and-pop Organizations named above, in 1991 they and the so called International Governing Body have been "attempting" to get karate in to the Olympics. Folks that is scam running for the past 22 years and even longer before that.

Now they have "K-IS COMING 2020" campaign. What A Joke! These puppeteers have been abusing our athletes and our instructors for so long, that anyone who buys in to their story, is either foolish or blind. They have us believe that Karate in Olympics will elevate the art. False! It will fill the coffers of the puppet masters. They have us believe admission to Olympics is essential to the growth of karate. False again! The people running these organization are in it to make money.

And here's the reality. They are milking us dry, and killing karate in the process. Here's why;

1. The so called NGBs (National Governing Body/Bodies), have made competing so expensive, that it is beyond the average person's reach. The have made it an elite sport, when all the masters who brought it out of Okinawa aimed to make it a public art form and publicly accessible sport. 
2. The International Governing Bodies/Organization, can't even get their rules together. In the past 22 years that I have kept up with these people, they have done changed the rules over 20 times. At times going back and forth. Ink hasn' dried on new set of rules, when something changes. You would think after 40+ years, there would be some uniformity.
3. The required equipment keeps changing as well. From cloth guards, to pressed foam, to the new homologated – whichever manufacturer pays the greatest grease-money – super expensive protective gear.
4. Recently they put date markers on equipment, supposedly to protect athletes from equipment failure. Oh Please! What a joke. Any referee, worth their salt, can spot a bad piece of equipment.
5. The National Federation and many vendors can't even provide the chest-guard that is now "required."
6. The membership fees, being excessive, supposedly provide you with "secondary medical coverage." That is if you don't have medical insurance, or your medical insurance doesn't cover you enough. And that is after an iron-clad waiver they have you sign.
7. The management of the tournament is a joke. You can expect to be called in to staging area, and spend upward of 1-3 hours, before they get you to the ring, and then you have to wait again.
8. There's a substantial lack of retention and hence, turnover in qualified Judges and referees. Mainly because they have to spend upwards of $3,000.00 dollars per year approximately, give their time voluntarily, and at the end, be lectured and belittled by some of the most technically deficient people, telling them how bad they did. Mind you, some of these people in the referee counsel of these organization, don't have the courage to compete, nor have they ever competed at national, let alone international level. That is a not a joke. Thank goodness, there a few around who if not real competitors, have the knowledge base to balance the equation.
9. The inability to even put together a proper promotion campaign nationally is another joke. We have World Gold Medalists, but when it comes to put on seminars, the "Federation" invites foreign instructors (oh yes, they are paid a very handsome fee and accommodated, generously). We have coaches that are fantastic, we have international coaches that are fantastic, who would perform and teach, but no! We have to go and get the expensive "masters."
10. I have yet to see a seminar circuit around the country to promote our elite athletes. Call me crazy, but wouldn't be great idea, to take some of that money that you guys pocket, in the form of travel expenses, and actually put seminars around the country by our elite athletes at nominal fee charge of may be 10-20 dollars per event.
11. Why should a national referee pay to attend a seminar, which teaches him really nothing, then work his rear-end off for 2-3 days, and be paid nothing, not even his hotel expenses, but the referee counsel, is fully paid for, and they get to fly around the country, charging $500-$1,000 dollars per seminar, and "examination" which buy the way, costs extra. Oh yes, you can have a fancy passport, but that is extra too.

....and I could go on!

There are so many things wrong here, that would boggle the mind. As I said, it is mom and pop (though the parents supposedly change) shop. Now there's also a lot of back-stabbing and extremely ruthless politicking going on as well. Few years ago, I was made a pawn in one of those, against an honorable man. I felt so used, and upset. Hence, I never returned. Just kept my eyes on the circus they call the National Federation.

Another joke are the local organizations, they call "Regional Sports Organization" or something of that sort. Ran by ego-maniacs, who play the gang game so rough, they have burned out many school owners. "If you are not in my gang, you are not worthy" and "If you are in my gang, you can't be in that gang." What a waste of time.

The National plays game regionally. I have seen it in Southern California, and it is sickening. They set one group, against the other. Why? Because there is so much ego, that you can cut it with a knife.

To many kings, not enough land.

A good tournament is so much in need, that when an honorable instructor put together an independent tournament for the youth last year, he was overwhelmed with the response. Kudos to Sensei Akira Fukuda for that. 

Why people support independent tournaments more freely. Because people are sick of the politics and the "my gang game." that is played on them by the National and their patsies at the local organizations. Also, there's a sense of family and the cost is reasonable.

People are looking for an honest game, that won't set them back financially, and is run in an honest, caring environment. To wit, one can see the success of the Nikkei games, which is held annually in August, in Los Angeles.

So my friends here it is. Some of you will spend upwards of $1,000.00 - $1,500 per athlete (no to mention preparatory tournament, private lessons, and family travel and housing costs) to attend the "Nationals" this year, or US Open next year. Is it necessary? No!

Are there better ways to train at international level? Yes!

Do you have to do these tournaments? Not unless you are a brown/black belt, hoping to make a national team pool, and have another $5-10K to take you to international events. Because folks, you are on your own.

K-IS ON THE WAY! Is a scam. If you are in it for martial arts, you don't need karate in Olympics. If you are a competitive athlete, then you don't get my point, and don't understand much of it, and your goals are the next point, next tournament, next medal. And what if you became an International Karate Champion. What is waiting for you after that. What part of the art, have you learned, outside of collecting points and medals. Believe me, you missed a lot of it.

Now that is not to say that competition is bad, but make sure you are not lining the pockets of some people, and are left holding the bag. I am not saying don't go to the National Championships, or don't go to US Open. Go! experience it, know what it is all about, and know a new way. But don't get wrapped up in it.

I like to take a paragraph at the end, and let you know of the few people that I came across, who acted honorably, and with good intent, for the time I have known this scam called USA Karate_____________ (you fill the blank) Organization or WKF.

They are in order of their appearance in the time I was involved with these organization, Morteza Alborzi, Joseph Claycomb, Joe Pledge, Kiyoshi Yamazaki, Toshiatsu Sasaki, Cyrus Madani, Fariba Madani, Cleveland Baxter, Roger Jarrett, The current coaches, starting with Tokey Hill, and a few more, whose name escape me at this time. These people have fulfilled my requirements, of depth and breadth of knowledge and goodwill toward athletes.

Now, open your eyes, and if you decide to go through this route, remember someone told you so!

The Thing Called Black Belt

Recently a dear friend brought a student to me, from another school, here in my area – a very well known school I might add – to train in my humble little training hall. The young man was approximately 8, and had received his "black belt." Proceeding on the word of my friend, I asked the young man to show me a kata. He did not know any, save some made-up non-sense in the "so-called" karate school.

I asked how long has he been doing "karate," and the answer was, three years. My basic math serving me right, he had to be 5 years old, to have started. Knowing my friend, I though may be he is joking with me, and having some fun at my expense. After all, I had been known to play some pranks upon my dear friends, from time to time.

But you see, "Karate" not "kara-dee" as pronounced here in the Southern California, and one might say USA culture, is a serious endeavor for me. There has to be some value to being a "black belt" beyond physical ability. The maturity and seasoning that it requires is way beyond an eight year old.

"No you don't understand!" said the young man, I have my little dragon black belt. WHAT THE....Excuse me, what in the heavens is that.  I have junior black belts, and I can appreciate a young person in the ages of 10-16 having practiced 5-6 years, receiving a Junior Black Belt, for effort and physical expertise. I do put limit as to who I give it to, and there's a strict requirement, that must be met.

But to learn 2-3 kicks, and 2-3 punches, 3-4 stances and not really being to even deliver them correctly, does not a black belt make. There is a standard that needs to be considered. "Oh! but he has so much fun," and "it has helped him a lot," are not the answers folks!

Let me put it to you this way. I have a friend name Joshua Carter, he is by far, one of the best personal trainers I know. He loves his craft, and he is knowledgeable, he is a personal training black belt. He is around 40 something years old, and he is as hard-working as they come. In short, he knows his craft.

My son Ashkon, at 12 is very fit, and within a few months of training with Joshua Carter, could really become even stronger, and faster. Now that doesn't make Ashkon, a certified personal trainer. 

What amazes me the most, are few things:

1. How could anyone, sell the concept of black belt for 6-8 year old, and call themselves a martial artist, or a martial arts teacher.
2. How could anyone, buy the concept that their child is a "black belt," at that age.
3. How could a school call themselves Karate Center, when they don't even teach Karate. I looked it up, they teach Wing-chun (kung-fu, and I bet they are bad at that too), Kali (Filipino stick fighting), Hapkido (Korean mix of Tae Kwon Do and Aikido), and few other "Arts" to spice up their curriculum.

The end result is this: The parents spend $8,000-12,000 dollars over 4-5 years, and they get what turns out to be a diploma, not worth the paper it is written on. The confidence they think their child built, is a façade. The technique is a sham, and the value is nothing. One may consider the value of baby-sitting service, but that is one expensive baby-sitter.

The student, will grow up, and if they ever go to a real karate school, they are going to find out how little they know. Their diploma is no good anywhere, save the four walls that they got it in. Their so-called master, is a master businessman, and not a martial artist, and their teachers are trained to "sell" and not "teach."

Sad and pathetic, isn't it! To pay all that money, to spend all that time, energy and talent, to receive a useless piece of paper and a belt, declaring something one is not.

I told the young man, that he had to start practically from the beginning. But, that I will help him move a little faster up the ranks, up until a point. He left, upset and disappointed, never to return. Wasting four years of their life, to MAC-KARATE/MAC-DOJO.

What surprised me, is how close they young man's family lived from me, they knew of me, and knew me well enough. But, chose the "fancy school." Why, I don't know. May be his friends go there. Maybe they have colorful uniforms, may be they do backflips, and gymnastics. Whatsoever those reason have to do with an intelligent decision about your time, money and value, is beyond me.

I am not trying to beat my own drum. Train with me, or don't, but at least, go train with a legitimate instructor, whatever the art. It does not have to be me. Remember:

• Karate is Japanese, if they don't teach Japanese karate, it is not KARATE! 
• If they don't teach 7-8 traditional katas/forms before black belt, YOU ARE NOT A BLACK BELT!
• If they don't take you to an outside tournament, they are not worth their salt.
• If you say OOS/OOOS/OUS and don't know the darn meaning, or they say it means yes! or something like that, they are not informed.
• As a general rule, karate is taught in four major system Shotokan (what I teach), Shito-ryu, Goju-Ryu and Wado-ryu. Minor styles exist, but not as wide-spread as the four above.
• If you are not learning any of the four styles above, you are most likely not learning karate.

Lastly: Here's what is NOT Karate, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i35iCiEzqDM

Here is what IS Karate: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jBP8-6DtBBs

Notice the difference in pointless yelling, low, useless stances and hand gestures, in the former, and outstanding balance and transition and crisp movement in the latter.

Seek the best, not the busiest. Seek the most knowledgeable, not the fanciest. Seek the most humble, not the richest. See the WAY! Not the destination.

Best Regards.

Bruce Hojati

Teen-itis Affecting Parents.

Perhaps the hardest period in parenting is the 6-10 years of growth after the age of 12. Yes! You heard me right, some teen behavior goes all the way up to age 22 or in some cases 25. The angst, hormones, insecurities, rebellious behavior, and above all peer pressure, is never more profound than in middle and high school time.

I have seen parents literally come to tears over their struggles with a teen. Worst cases are parents who have 2-3 teens hitting the this vastly confusing territory at once. Ouch! Get ready for some real struggles folks. It doesn't end yet.

As my eldest approaches the Zombieland, which are the teen years, and as he is about to be inflicted with the pain of TEEN-ITIS, for which there are no cures. I am reminded of the hundreds of families that I have consoled, and for many-a-times having not listened to my advice, they came back years later, with the old familiar "I wish I had listened to you...." or something along those lines.
I am now looking and examining my own situation, and I am more than confident, that although I will suffer the consequences of TEEN-ITIS, along with my son, and later my other two, I am going to be in better shape than most people. There's no remedy for TEEN-ITIS, but there are preventive measures. The very same preventive measures that many people know about, but choose to ignore. If you humor me, I will go over the few items that I have found most useful. If it works for you great! If it doesn't, call me a fool, and move on. You may perhaps find a better way, though I doubt it (yes I know that's arrogant, but I can't help it!).


I started assisting in my Sensei's classes in 1980. My teaching experience started with kids, moved to teens and later to adults. My very own first school was established in 1992, in a park. Today, I know at least two of the kids from that class are fantastic successes in their working toward their dream. Things that I recommend are based on empirical evidence that have helped create a more healthy teens,  and they are:

1. Build a strong bond with your child during the age of 0-4 Years. Share activities and spend some real quality time. Sometimes just going to get some ice-cream is as magical and memorable as taking them to Disneyland. Its not about the money, its about sitting and talking at their level.
2. Do homework and playtime throughout their age 0-12.
3. Find an activity that is exclusive to you and him/her. I do archery with my son. Sisters are invited occasionally, if he wants (and he hasn't invited them yet).
4. Share times unique to that individual, at least once per month. Father/Mother-daughter day, Father/Mother-son days, each time is unique to that one person. No one else. 3-6 hours is enough.
5. Learn to listen, more than talk. Kids have limited vocabulary, and many of the things they mean is not verbally expressed. They also may feel insecure about how you may feel about their opinion or request, so you need to LISTEN & HEAR.
6. Find an activity you can do together as a family. Yes, I am a karate-buff, and I love what it does. I have seen it. Yes, all my kids are in it. Because I am in it, we share and talk about videos, their progress, and many other things. Having a discipline like martial arts in your relationship, helps you communicate at a different level, even when regular conversations seem difficult.
7. Be enthused for their achievements. Attend as many, if not all their school award ceremony. Take videos and pictures, frame the award. Talk about it with others, so that they can hear you, but indirectly.
8. Set parameters that can be adjusted according to their age and achievements. Don't be so rigid, that it becomes dictatorial.
9. Give them awards that they earned. Just because your child says I like looking at the stars, doesn't mean you need to buy the most expensive telescope. Teach them that they must earn things. The only thing they don't need to earn, is your love.
10. Be in charge of making the life-decisions. A child is called a child for that very reason. If your child wants to quit something that has benefited them for a long while, intervene and by all means say NO! if you know they are making a mistake. In many cases, children and specially teens are looking for leadership from you. They want to gauge your concern and reaction to their very existence. It is a need to be recognized. If you know a decision is wrong, and it is something that you know can affect them say NO! Explain your position, listen to theirs and see what is the root cause. Many times, teens in my classes have quit karate, because their peers thought it to be uncool. "Karate is for kids," etc. Other times, they are discovering the opposite sex, and they want more time to text and chat. In younger ages, it is one of two situations, either they are having trouble with a lesson, and they feel inadequate, or they are having difficulty with a person or an issue that they don't know how to overcome. This is when you need to be a coach, and not a parent. Listen, analyze, ponder it, and find a way. But don't let them quit.
11. Refrain from arguments and shouting. You are the adult, and you need to act like one. Despite how they behave.
12. Be patient REMEMBER YOU ARE HERE TO WIN THE WAR, NOT THE BATTLE!
13. When you feel that you should be allowing them to have their way, ask, how will this decision affect them on the long run. Remember that every block is a building block. There are is no such thing, as "its not a big deal." Say NO! if you must. They will cry and get over it. Trust me.
14. Love them, and tell them that you do. As often as you can.

As you can see, these are all preventive measures, and they work. Of course they only work, if you really put your heart and love in it. There's more. But hey! How am I gonna have you come back!

Seek a Sensei, Find Your Way!

Good Luck.